Written By Michelle, Sex Therapist…
Many of my female clients tell me I’m single and I love sex. I love the skin-on-skin contact, and also the orgasms. But it’s not helping me find a boyfriend. I sleep with men on the first date, but then I find they don’t want to see me again.’
Most of these girls have been single for years and the tell me ‘I’m a lusty woman in my twenties, and thirties and I want to have sex. What’s wrong with that? But I feel judged by men when they don’t contact me again.’
It doesn’t sound to me that the men necessarily judge them, but perhaps the men were just interested in sex and not a relationship. That said, when we invite people for dinner, we enjoy receiving a thank-you note that acknowledges the pleasure of being together. So I understand most women and their disappointment, and feeling of being dismissed afterwards.
Unfortunately, in our culture we can easily feel disposed of, replaced and insignificant. Too often people lack the kindness and grace that should accompany a sexual encounter, even if it is a recreational one. So many women wonder the next day if the pleasure of the encounter was mutual.
I wish I could say, ‘What’s wrong with being a lustful woman?’ Feminism has brought women more equality, more dignity, and more power. But still, the playing field is not equal. Many women hope that if they offer themselves sexually, love will flourish. I wonder sometimes to what extent the scarcity of sex in the past forced men to be more patient; to romance, to put more emphasis on foreplay. And I don’t mean the five minutes before penetration – I mean the entire seduction dance.
Therefore, I say if a woman does not feel 100 per cent OK after an encounter, then these sexual trysts may not be for her. If it’s truly pleasurable (and I’m all for enjoying sex and exploring your sexuality), then then they should feel good about having these experiences.
I also hear they want a relationship and has noticed a pattern. When they have sex the first night, it doesn’t turn into a relationship. To me, if something isn’t working, it makes sense to try a new approach. So if they hold off, they will own the situation. I’m not saying They need to play hard to get; I’m saying that if a guy is interested in a relationship with them, he’d have the patience to wait for sex (how long depends on the woman and that guy).
Women need to start by getting to know the guy, see if she likes him, if she enjoys his company. That is quite different from gauging if you are attracted to someone or making sure that he is attracted to you. Discovering your similarity of interests and values, the sense that he is interested in you the person and not as a means to an end – all of these are better predictors of qualities that lead to having a relationship.
If There’re sexually frustrated after one of these nights of meeting up with a man and getting to know him, I’m sure she knows how to pleasure herself! Maybe think of it as teasing herself until she can have him. Soon, but not now.
It’s just a matter of trying out a different approach – the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.